To Hate and Love
by nightlyroses
Summary: I'm crying as I think these thoughts. She ruined me for life. You shattered my heart for who knows how long. My mouth keeps forming the words I hate you over and over again. But even as I keep saying that and thinking that, I know it's not true. I'm still hopelessly in love with you. JSP/OC. Rated T for swearing. I don't own anything but the storyline and my OCs.


**AN:** So this is a rewrite of my story "I'm Sorry". It's the same general plot line as the original, but several changes have been made in order to accommodate my improved writing skills.

* * *

I hated her from the start. It was obvious at the time what kind of girl she was. She was snobby, spoiled, and absolutely one of the biggest bitches in the world. You never saw that. But I did.

She hated me too. She was _jealous_ of the friendship we had, and she _knew_ how I felt about you. Neither of us knew that you felt the same way, but she didn't want to take any chances. She snagged you and made you hers and hers alone. Suddenly, it felt like we were distant strangers. Sure you greeted me as often as you could whenever we passed each other in the corridors, but it wasn't enough. I lost one of my best friends.

Even though I hated her so much, I hated you too. You were always so quick to believe her over me, especially whenever I made snarky comments in return for her insulting me. It was always the same thing every time.

" _Jamie! Your friend's being mean to me!" she whined in her annoyingly high-pitched squeal. "Make her stop!"_

 _Oh, she was good with the dramatics. I could see every single big tear that she forced out from her eyes. I almost felt guilty. Almost._

 _You took one look at her and sighed, "Lexi, again? I get that you're mad at me, but you didn't have to take it out on her."_

" _James, she was mean to me first. Again."_

It always seemed that you would believe me, again and again. But you never did. It was always her. _Her_. The beautiful French exchange student with long blonde hair, shimmering blue eyes, fair skin, and an impossibly slender body. How could I compete with that?

She ruined my birthday party, you know. I was turning fifteen, and Fred and Louis hosted a party (without your help, I should add) in the Room of Requirement. It was supposed to be one of the best nights of the whole year, but she ruined it. It was her fault everything went wrong, and you didn't care. In fact, it was partially your fault too. _You_ showed up late. _You_ brought her along, even though I specifically asked you _not_ to. Why did you? How could you?

I honestly don't know why I still love you because you shattered my heart and ruined my entire fourth year. You and her. And the rumours! Don't get me started on those rumours. It was sickening to hear her brag to her friends about shagging you in the boys' dormitory nearly every night, and she even did it when I was in hearing range on purpose. At the time I didn't know that they were lies, but they still disgust me even now. Those awful smug looks on her face whenever she looked at me said, _Ha ha. I got him. You didn't._

I hated her. And I hated you. But I still love you. What is wrong with me, I ask? The truth is, I don't know. I don't even know when falling in love with you even started. I guess it started when we had to hide in that broom closet from Filch that one time when I was in third year and you were in fourth. There was a rush of excitement as we tested our abilities to escape from getting caught and stifled our laughter as the old geezer limped as fast as he could with his croaky voice screaming that he will find us. Ha. As if. There we were, crammed in a little broom cupboard in the dark. So romantic, right? Things just changed from there. I was falling in love with you.

You're probably wondering why you haven't seen me around since the train ride to here. Well, it's obvious. You know the very stunt your _perfect_ girlfriend pulled at the end of last year. It was the thing that finally got you to dump her. Everyone still remembers. I still can't show my face when I'm not protected by teachers.

As much as I hated her, I still couldn't believe she could sink so low. It was the most humiliating thing ever. You just had to give her that camera as a present, didn't you? She used it. The very camera you gave her contained all those pictures. You know what happened next. She developed them, made copies, and passed them around to her friends who gave them to other friends. It spread to the entire school. Everyone thinks I'm a slag now.

I saw you looking at those photos once. You weren't like those other guys who were greedily eating up the sight of me. You were merely studying them. I could tell they turned you on like the others, but it was still different. It wasn't any less humiliating, though. You were just one of the thousands of students who saw pictures of me fully naked in a bathroom.

I'm crying as I think these thoughts. She ruined me for life. You shattered my heart for who knows how long. My mouth keeps forming the words _I hate you_ over and over again. But even as I keep saying that and thinking that, I know it's not true. I'm still hopelessly in love with you.

I hear the door opening. I panic. I specifically asked for a place to be left _alone_ , and Fred and Louis wouldn't have barged in like that. It's you.

Your eyes are red, like you've been crying. I think you were. You begged for my forgiveness the moment you dumped her, but I screamed at you for a good hour about what you did. I still didn't tell you of my feelings. It seemed like you were going to confess your love for me, but 1) I interrupted you and 2) I didn't think it was possible. I let you suffer all summer after that.

Fred and Louis aren't as mad at you anymore. Sometimes, they say that I should forgive you because you're an idiot who learned his lesson. Did you, though? Did you really?

"Hi," you say. "Where have you been?"

I don't answer but turn my back. I still don't want to speak to you. You still persist, though. "Things really got shitty, didn't they?"  
"No, you think?"

My voice drips with sarcasm, but it's useless when it's mixed with a cracked voice. You come closer to me and come around so you're standing in front of me. I just stare at your shoes. Red and gold, of course. Typical Gryffindor. Just like me.

"Are you going to be okay?"

Well, at least you didn't ask if I was okay because it's obvious I'm not. "I don't know. Can you fix me like you should?"

I think you're frowning, but I'm not looking at your face. "I would love to, Lexi, believe me. But is it possible to actually fix someone you've broken?"

So you admit it. "I don't know. You should try."

You sit down cross-legged in front of me. Now that I see you up close, I realize you look worse for wear. Your hair looks like a bird's nest, there are dark bags under your eyes, your clothes are rumpled, and your eyes are bloodshot. You were totally affected by all of this more than I thought. "Please, Lexi. I'm so sorry. It was my fault. Everything."

Now is the time to ask the question I've desperately needed the answer to. "Why did you do it? Why did you hurt me and the others?"

This time, it's your turn to not look at me. Your face turns bright red, like the classic Weasley blush. You're embarrassed. "It's a stupid reason, really."

"Probably not as stupid as you are."

You shrug. "Probably. Ouch."

I purse my lips. "Tell me. Now."

My tone tells you that I mean it. Or else. I have all the resources to make your life a living hell, even without Fred and Louis. And I have a mean punch. A very mean one.

The colour of your face deepens even more. "You wouldn't believe it. I still don't believe it. I was in denial. I guess it started nearly two years ago the night we were hiding from Filch in a broom closet. Bloody hell, I was so confused. Quite a few girls had gone to have snogging sessions with me in broom closets before, but I had never felt such an intense _rush_ of excitement and nerves. I could barely see you in there, but my face suddenly felt so hot and I was shaking. We were so close to each other, and I _liked_ it. No, I _loved_ it. Images of you just _flashed_ through my head. You were laughing, you were smiling, you were telling a joke. Merlin, it was such a big change. When we walked out, I was so disappointed and you just seemed so _different_. I had to be hallucinating.

"I just couldn't seem to find another girl to snog with. All I could think of was you. Then _she_ came along. I knew what she saw the moment we met, and I went for it. I needed to get you out of my head. I couldn't be in love with one of my best friends, could I? It just wasn't right."

My mouth forms an _o_ at the penultimate sentence. No way. "In love with me?"

You nod, still bright red. "I knew you would never love me back. Hell, I was just the womaniser of our group. A playboy, a ladies' man. Not your type at all. I was disappointed. Of all the girls in Hogwarts, it had to be the hardest one to get."

"So what was up with _her_?"

I spit out the last word like it was venom.

You grimace. "She was a distraction. Maybe I could fool myself into falling in love with her. It seemed easy then. She was beautiful and vivacious. And she _seemed_ nice…at the time."

I cover my mouth with my hand as tears start escaping from my eyes. You notice and scoot closer but remember I'm still upset with you. You don't dare to reach out for me. But I do. I grab your hand and hold it tightly.

"I'm so sorry, Lexi," you say. Your voice cracks. "I'm _really_ sorry. If I could go back and redo everything, I would. She would never be my girlfriend, she wouldn't have taken those _photos_ , and our friendship wouldn't be so damaged." You pause. "I don't expect you to say the same thing. But I love you, Lexi."

I sniffle and let go of your hand. You watch me hesitantly, wondering what I'm going to say to you. You're tense. Either I reject you and our friendship is a definite no-no or I admit my feelings to you and a tentative relationship will slowly build up after we heal. I realize that I'm not the only one who needs fixing. You've broken me, and you've broken yourself. Now, we both need to pick up the pieces. And we can't do it without each other. We just can't.

I take your hand again. "I-I love you too. James."

My tears fall more freely as you tug me closer and pull me into a tight embrace, complete with the light touch of our lips fitting together like two puzzle pieces.

* * *

 **AN 2:** Reviews are greatly appreciated! Thanks in advance to those of you who do!


End file.
